Several years ago, when Lindsay Amper, Ph.D., was in Disney World with her family, she came upon an area that reminded her of a trip she’d taken to the theme park with a middle school friend. Grabbing her phone and snapping a quick photo, she messaged her friend — recalling the memory and saying that they should get together soon.
These micro moments of connection, where you reach out to someone you haven’t seen in a while and let them know they’re on your mind and that you hope they’re doing well, are some of the small ways to help maintain friendships over time, notes Amper, a licensed psychologist.
According to a 2023 Pew Research Center survey, 53 percent of adults say they have between one and four close friends, while 38 percent say they have five or more. Additionally, 8 percent report having no close friends.
“All of us need meaningful relationships in order to feel our best,” says Amper, a clinical professor of Psychology who teaches within Bryant's Doctor of Clinical Psychology program.
Deeper relationships are important for preventing mental health issues, she shares, as loneliness can be a driver for depression and anxiety. A study published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology: Advances suggests that loneliness may cause the body to age faster.
Below, Amper explains why social circles can shrink as you age and offers tips for building new connections while nurturing current relationships.
What causes friendships to decline
Growing up, you see the same group of people for long periods of time — whether it be in class, clubs, or sports — which makes it easier to form and maintain social connections. Once you go into the work world after high school or college, your day starts to look different with adult responsibilities, such as feeding yourself, paying bills, cleaning the house, and doing a number of things to survive.
“That young adulthood phase is a big transition because you don't have that built-in social network, and now you're trying to figure out, ‘how do I socialize?’ especially if you were living with friends and everybody's gone their own separate ways,” Amper says.
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Middle adulthood is another period where social circles shrink; this happens because people are doing a lot of caretaking around this time — whether it be caring for aging parents, tending to children, maintaining the home, or managing people at work. Therefore, the time devoted to friendship goes down.
“You may feel zapped out, and your time at the end of the day becomes focused on unwinding rather than connecting socially,” Amper says.
How to nurture current relationships
Mutual respect, care, and connection are big predictors of strong relationships, shares Amper. A simple way to maintain a connection, she says, is to call a friend during your work commute. Either run through your contact list or start with someone you haven’t chatted with in a while. Texting is also an easy and intentional way to maintain communication. For instance, maybe you see something that reminds you of your friend, but you haven’t seen them lately. Send them a quick text to say, “Just thinking of you,” and suggest getting together soon.
Building things into the calendar can also act as helpful reminders for reaching out. Birthdays, for example, are the perfect time to mail a card, make a call, or send a text. Scheduling get-togethers in advance — or Zoom calls for friends who live farther away — can help solidify plans, so you’re not trying to find a time amongst a fully booked schedule.
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Also, don’t be afraid to get creative on how to maintain relationships.
“If you have friends who are far away, try to build that into a vacation. For instance, ‘Okay, we're going to fly to California for our vacation this year, so that way we can see these friends from our college.’ It's like a two for one,” Amper says.
Ways to expand social connections
According to research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it takes approximately 50 hours of interaction to create a casual friendship, 90 hours for a genuine friendship, and 200-plus hours for close/best friend relationship.
For adults young and old, Amper suggests joining a group around a common interest (sports, art, music) or volunteering around something you're passionate about.
The one caveat? Joining isn't enough.
“You have to join and then make an effort to be social. You're not going to increase your relationships simply by physically being present. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and ask questions, which can be harder for some people,” Amper says, which is why building relationships around shared interests or an activity can be easier.
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To get to know people more and foster new friendships, look to extend your gathering beyond the activity itself. For instance, if you join a running group, invite your fellow runners to grab coffee or breakfast after your workout.
For middle-aged adults, Amper notes that one of the easiest ways to make new relationships and build a community is when you become a parent. She suggests joining parenting groups, offering to have play groups and inviting parents to come too for coffee.
You don’t need tons of friends
As you get older, your time becomes precious, shares Amper, and you have to think about how to use that time wisely for intentional connection.
“When people become parents, sometimes their identity becomes so tied up in parenting that they lose the individual part of themselves,” Amper says. “It's important to say, ‘It's okay for me to go to breakfast with a friend and leave my kids home with my partner,’ or ask the grandparents or a babysitter to watch them.”
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She adds that, when working with younger clients, she typically asks if they have two or three close friends who, if something's bothering them, they have someone who's got their back. Having just a few is okay.
“We don't need thousands of friends,” Amper says. “We need people who really know us and who we really feel like we can be our authentic selves with and vice versa.”